Bryan Mann's, Life or...'' It's life Jim, but not as we know it. ''

He's tall, at least 6'4", lean, muscular, dark tan, and bald.  Cell phone perpetually at the ready.  Gold pinkie ring flashing in the fluorescent lights whenever he takes a call.  He lifts heavy, but he cheats.  She's perfectly coiffed.  We've all seen the type, perfect Dallas Cowboy cheerleader's body, 36-26-36, aging as gracefully as saline and tanning booths allow.  Every mann's head turns when she enters the room.  Large doe-like eyes, a quick, bright smile, and always a brief 'hello.'  Always wearing a thong beneath Her tights, abs reveal the tan.  Purple is her favorite color.  She wears it almost every day in some aspect of her Pierre Cardin uniform.  Everyone likes her.

I'm sitting, as usual, on the dumbbell press chair.  Lifting heavy again, shoulders screaming in pain.  She takes up the area to my right.  We trade knowing glances at each other in the mirror.  "Hi."  Big trainer and his trainee, a pleasantly plump housewife, working out to my left.  I see He's behind me near the column.  He's working chest today.  Taking a break to enjoy the view of her.  I start another set.  He's still staring.  She sees him in the mirror, gawking as she moves through repetition after repetition.  Caught, He looks away.  I rest.  She rests.  He starts his set.  Big notices the oogling.  Big is obviously perturbed by it.  She starts again, sweat coming easily now.  She glistens.  I finish my set, weights back on the rack.  He's staring again, one long look head-to-toe and back again.  His cell phone rings, he starts the long walk to the door talking,  'Hey what's up....'

Big steps over and in one grand chivalrous move:

Wonders never cease.

A microcosm of humanity, to those about to lift, we salute you!!  Ok, 2 months to go on the "I will be the Statue of David by my next birthday goal."  Or re-stated,  'I want to gain 30lbs of muscle by my next birthday.'  At this point I weighed in at 196lbs this morning.  Now I need to change up my eating so that I can reduce my bodyfat percentage to 6-7% for my upcoming swimsuit spread in [popular women's magazine].

To that end I've been reading some alarming details about HFCS and transfats.  First, and I paraphrase.  HFCS are the worst scourge of modern living and might actually be the cause of the new "epidemic" of over eating.  I'd recommend that you check your labels and anything that has High Fructose Corn Syrup mentioned as one of the first three ingredients, throw it away now and write a letter to FDA demanding that food companys discontinue use of this sweetener.  BTW you do know that the ingredient label list contents in order of proportion right?  As for the transfats, look for the words hydrogenated, or partially hydrogenated.  It turns out that food manufacturers, wow we live in an age when food is manufactured, aren't yet required to mention that transfats are part of the content so you'll have to do the math.  For example:


So, to get ripped I'm reducing the size of portions while focusing on increasing the amount of intensity of my workouts.  I've started doing interval training on the bike, riding as hard as possible for 90 - 120 seconds then backing off to about 75% of my original pace.  Example, my bike has resistance settings from 1 - 8.  I spend 2 minutes on 2, 4 minutes on 4, pedaling at about 20 miles per hour.  From there I spend 90 seconds on 5 pedaling at 24-26 miles per hour, then back off to 20 miles per hour for 4 minutes then 25-27 for 120 seconds then back off to 21  mph for 4 minutes and finally 90 seconds of 24 mph, and finish it off with 2-4 minutes of 2 at 20 mph.

In the gym I've switched to less rest and lighter weight.  Whatever size I'm going to get I've gotten.  Now it's a matter of getting pumped.  I put on a fairly heavy weight that I can do for 8-10 reps, pump those out, rest 10-20 seconds and repeat.  If I'm feeling tired that day I do only 3 sets, feeling like a super hero, 4 sets.

600 lbs for reps. That's the latest on the good old leg press sled. Perhaps I'm doing the exercise wrong because 600 sounds like a lot of weight. But ala Beavis and Butt Head... "Cool, huh huh, huh huh huh, I did 600lbs, without blowin' chunks, huh huh, huh huh huh. I am Corn Julio!!" I want to know, or at least I wonder if anyone else works out with "That 70's guy" you know the one. He shows up to the gym wearing something that's just wrong. He's usually got his hair moussed up ala [insert current star of Summerland here], and invariably has a gold chain and a pinky ring. I don't know why but he usually wears the $500.00 italian leather loafers as his workout shoes of choice, or he's got on a pair of expensive designer jeans with his Nike Air Jordans, or he makes it a point to keep checking his ultra expensive watch. And of course he sees every woman as ... a target. Mainly I'm learning how not to approach women in the gym. Maybe he watched Napolean D. and figured the 'you probably think you're fat' line would work in the gym.

Yesterday he hopped on the rowing machine beside me while I was on the treadmill. As the pungent odor of cheap cologne began to nauseate me I wondered if there have been any studies done to determine the cologne to open space ratio that 70's guys have to use. I mean is there a book of tables? Going to the gym, use ¼ bottle of cologne, going to a nightclub use the whole bottle, going on a hot date, be polite to those who might also be eating at the expensive restaurant of your choice, use only ¾ of the bottle. I suddenly felt like I was back in the toxic brown that is the real Orange County California. Of course if you're living in it you can't see the brown. You only get a real view of it flying in from somewhere else. Although as I recall from back in the days of windsurfing at Long Beach there was a lot of brown floating in the water too.

Lucky for me that 70's guy saw J and a bit later MB and he was off to teach me more lines thou shalt never use. "Hey, have you ever ridden in a Hummer?" If you are that 70's guy please consult with me on proper public scent etiquette :-).

Zen koans for the Muscle and Fitness gang:

   Before enlightenment lift weights,
   After enlightenment lift weights.

   If a power lifter drops a weight in the gym,
   does anyone hear the sound of bones crushing?

   Can a bodybuilder achieve enlightenment?

Up again at 4:00am this morning. This time it's a dream about being in the dentist's chair and him giving me morphine to kill my pain but it doesn't. The dentist looks strangely like the landlord of my apartment way back when SB and I were living on Rentfrow together in Las Cruces, and he has a pet lion cub that's amazingly docile. Well this is better than my recurring "La Vida Loco" dreams of San Antonio. In those dreams I'm usually riding my big black fat boy home while Ricky Martin's "La Vida Loco" plays sound track to me going through a construction site where the road is messed up. These usually end with me climbing off my bike and going into my tiny 2bd rm house in the barrio. Thing is I've never lived in San Antonio, although I have been on contract there for the Air Force and T was from SA town, or as I like to call it, Slam Antonio.

Each day out of bed begins with the weigh in, then pose down. The weigh in for this morning puts me at 188lbs. I've lost 4lbs. Apparently the way to lose weight without diet or exercise is disease. I have been sick with a cold for the last couple weeks.

I bought a Tanita digital scale that supposedly can calculate your body fat percentage by sending micro-currents through your feet. Anyway, according to the theory it can. Last time I checked, it puts my body fat at 17%. And according to Tony Horton, of beachbody and company fame to see my six-pack abs I need to be somewhere around 7%. I guess that would explain it :-) So I have some fat to lose. Which is an excellent segue to, 'So what're you eatin' mann?'

I generally eat 4-6 times per day, usually 575-600 calories per meal and for me eating is the most difficult part of bodybuilding. How the hell is it possible for people to be fat? I mean I eat 3 times in a day and I'm like 'please don't show me any more food!!' In all fairness I've never really had a love affair with eating. Right now I'm on the dietgourmet 1700 calorie plan. I usually get 2 breakfasts, a lunch, and a dinner, no beef. I like to think of it as living the Hobbit life, first breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, and supper. I eat first and second breakfast between 6:00a.m and 8:00am, then elevensies after I get out of the gym, about 2 hours later I have luncheon, and 2 ½ hours later I have supper. I may or may not eat a snack after that. Depends on whether I'm still working or being a couch potato. Still working, eat. Couch potato, don't eat.

The hardest part of eating for me is remembering to do it. I have to set an alarm to go off every 2 hours so that I'll eat. And in general I think, well, I'm not that hungry, let me just work 10 more minutes. By the time I look up again an hour has gone by and my eating schedule is messed up.

Talked to 'Monica Brandt' in the gym yesterday. It's weird, I've met plenty of famous people, jammed on stage with a few, presented my ideas to fortune 500 executives and millionaires but when I talk to her my mind just freezes up. What's up with that? I'd say testosterone, plain and simple. It is spring time after all. Well it is in Central Texas. Hmmm. 'Monica' if you're reading this, I'm really not an idiot!

Alright off the the gym for another round of Cardio/flAbs.

Went to the gym again today. I've decided to workout 6 days/week. If you must know my schedule because you'd like to watch me workout then here it is:

  Monday 10:30   11:45am
      Leg day   those tears aren't tears of joy!
  Tuesday 9:30   11:00am
      Cardio/flAbs, rotating through weak spots, tri-set, 
      giant set, usu.  Biceps|Triceps|Shoulders
  Wednesday 9:30   11:00am
      Chest/Back
  Thursday 9:30   11:00am
       Cardio/flAbs, rotating through weakness, calves, 
                     hamstrings, quads
                  3:00   4:00 pm
                      Massage, because I deserve it!!
   Friday 9:30   11:00am
       Shoulders, Bi-s, and Tri-s.
   Saturday (day off, bike, kayak, skiing, partying, recovery :)
   Sunday 10:30   11:45am
       Light Cardio/flAbs, rotating through weakness, chest

Some cool stats. I recently did a pyramid on leg press and ended with 540lbs for a shaky set of 4 reps. I managed 280lbs on deadlifts! Did 450lbs on standing calf raises and have started doing the rack, 220lbs on leg extensions. My goal is to squat 500lbs. I'd like to bench 350lbs but I doubt I'll make that. I suffered a repeating shoulder dislocation playing high school football so I'm pretty weak upper body-wise. For example my last 'big' bench was 185 :-( But good news is that my dumbbell presses and curls are decent. 90lbs for curls and 60lb dumbbells for flat bench. As I said to my trainer, 'You know the hardest part is... getting it up that first time... especially when you have to do it by yourself.'

The interesting part, to me at least, is that I did the leg press pyramid without knowing how much I was doing. I just kept stacking weight on til it was more than I could manage for 6 reps.

Proof that it's all in the mind... I calculated out how much I'd done one of those many nights when I wake at 3:00am, and started counting plates and multiplying. Too cool!!

Favorite quote, seen on a bumper sticker yesterday:

Pain is weakness leaving the body.

Only in Texas DUDE!

Oh yeah, it bears mentioning that I met 'Monica Brandt' at the gym today. I was playing with the weights she wanted to use. Strong woman, she rocks!

My gym time started way back at age 11 when my dad agreed to buy my brother and I a weight set. But I digress. Most recently, on my birthday, I weighed in at a whopping 162lbs. I consdiered that underweight since I'm 6'2" tall. So, I joined the gym and set myself the goal to gain 30lbs of muscle by my next birthday. I hired a professional trainer and got started. She's awesome! I managed to reach my 30lbs goal a bit early. I'm already there. Yes it's not ripped bodybuilder muscle but hey, I could still make that!!